Dear newly wedded spouses,
This is sometimes the beginning of your problems. The debate about virginity always erupts from the first night of marriage, especially when the man on the marriage night discovers his wife ain't no virgin.
His face becomes sour like spoilt vegetable soup. This night was supposed to be a memorable one but it turns bad in some cases.
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He now "forces" his wife to tell him how he lost it, even if the wife refuses, he insists and puts her in a tight situation until she tells him or lies about it.
Akhi, did you marry her for her deen and character or for her virginity? Virginity should be one of the secondary considerations, and if she is a virgin, are you untouched too?
The woman's virginity is always an issue, but no one talks about the man's own!
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The fiance husband has NO right to ask about his wife's past. It is sufficient for him that she is now pious and she is known for good at the time of marrying her. As to whether she did anything haraam in the past, but then repented from it and became righteous, it is wrong to ask her about that and make her choose between telling lies or getting divorced and forcing her to tell her secrets thereby disclosing that which Allaah had concealed for her, then if she tells him the truth, this will open the door to doubt and suspicion. Either way, its double trouble.
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Sisters, know that its not compulsory on you to tell your husband about whatever dirty past you went through. Its not even in his right to ask you in the first place.
the Prophet salallahu alayhi wassalam said: "Avoid this immoralities that Allaah has forbidden. Whoever does any such thing, then let him conceal it with the concealment of Allaah.? (Narrated by al-Bayhaqi; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, no. 663).*
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How can you as a groom feel, when your wife be like:
-i had 10 boyfriends
-i used to party a lot
-i was a stripper or belly dancer
-i used to smoke and drink
-i used to be a model
-i used to dance to sell glo sim card
-i lost my virginity to abu fulaan, at destiny hotels, in room 52, at night, we did such and such for several days, I got pregnant and I aborted it, bla bla bla......
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Akhi, how would you feel after hearing all this trash? Won't your love for her reduce instantly? Is this how to start a new marriage? Won't u begin to doubt her fearing that she may go into zina again?
Won't u begin to underrate her?
Then why did you ask her in the first place? Why did you make her uncover her secret which Allah has covered for her?
What about your own bad past too?
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Sister, how do you feel when narrating such ugly events again?
Shouldn't you be shy of explaining how you committed zina wit a man?
Even if you were raped, is it worth narrating? What is there to be proud of? If your husband dies tomorrow and u re-marry, will you narrate all this stories to him too?
The prophet salallahu alayhi wassalam said,
If you have no shame, do as you wish.
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During the time of umar ibn khattab radiAllahu anhu, a suitor wanted to marry a woman, the wali of the woman told the suitor that the woman had committed zina. So the suitor left. When the khalifa heard the incident, he beat the wali of the woman and said:
Was there any need to mention it?
(Muwatta of imam malik: 28/1148)
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Its even more absurd, when mere "suitors" be like:
Sister, let's be frank with each other, are you a virgin or not?
No be only frank, na emmanuel sef. Sister, how many suitors would u keep telling ur chastity status?
When jealousy died in men, modesty died in women.
Virginity is not a sign that the marriage will be good, and losing it before marriage does not mean your marriage will be bad.
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Though virginity is precious and special, and is a sign of chasity and respect, but there are many women who are virgins that will still enter hell because of other sins, there are many who are not virgins who will still enter jannah.
Don't start your marriage with a fight, understand yourselves and leave the past where it is.
Akhi, if you keep underrating and insulting your wife because she is not a virgin, and suddenly one day a woman comes and accuses you of being the owner of her 10yrs old daughter, your wife will now begin to insult you too, that's when you will realize that there is a difference between akpu and fufu.
May Allah grant us understanding, amin
Shared by AbdulHakeem Olamilekan Sahdallah.